remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
