Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
