i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
