"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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