I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
