Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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