So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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