you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I could fuck to npr.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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