you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
