Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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