She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
