I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
