I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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