That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He's on the porch naked. Help.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
