I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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