Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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