Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
