Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
