but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
