I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
