pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
