there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
