So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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