Are we in a gay sports bar?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
