Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
