We won't sleep together?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
