I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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