I seem to have left my pride at pride
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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