i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
