My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
