i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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