I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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