You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
