Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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