He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
