My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
