i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
