Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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