His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
