when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
