You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No I am not eating basil off your cock
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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