My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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