matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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