No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
