What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
