Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
