I'd wear matching sweaters with you
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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