I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
