dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
