i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
