I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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