I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
