i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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