I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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