I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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