Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
